People sometimes seem surprised that my partner and I are celibate. They ask whether it's difficult, how we deal with desire, and whether we wish we'd chosen differently.
It can be difficult. I'm in love with someone I'm attracted to; choosing not to have sex hasn't switched those feelings off. There are days when I question whether I want to keep going. There are also things about our relationship that I understand better because of the choice we've made.
We still have to choose it
Celibacy wasn't a decision we made once and then forgot about. Attraction, temptation and other people's opinions keep bringing it back into view.
Some people find our choice unrealistic. Having to explain a personal decision about my body can be tiring, especially when the questions come with teasing or disbelief.
Even so, I haven't regretted it. Our reasons still matter to me. I can value what we've chosen and admit that some days are harder than others.
This is an account of what has worked for us. Other couples may build a loving relationship differently.
We had to talk through disagreements
One thing I appreciate is that we couldn't use sex to smooth over an argument before we'd dealt with it.
If I felt taken for granted, or one of us had behaved badly, the problem was still there. We had to explain what hurt, listen and work out what needed to change.
Those conversations weren't always comfortable. An apology asks more of you when you have to stay with the issue instead of reaching for a distraction. For me, that space made it easier to think clearly about how we were treating each other.
Sex and honest communication can certainly coexist. In our relationship, setting sex aside helped us pay closer attention to the communication we needed to improve.
Friendship grew through the time we gave it
We wanted to know each other beyond attraction. Calling a partner your best friend sounds lovely, but I wanted that description to mean something in our daily life.
Talking became a big part of how we spent time together. We listened, shared more of ourselves and gradually felt more able to be vulnerable.
That closeness took attention. Celibacy gave us a reason to focus on it, and I value the friendship that grew. I came to understand my partner more deeply and felt that he was learning about me too.
I felt less anxious about pregnancy
Neither of us felt ready for parenthood. Choosing to avoid sexual activity that could lead to pregnancy took a worry off my mind.
I wasn't caught up in the same questions about contraception or whether a late period meant I might be pregnant. That relief was quieter than the changes in our communication, but it mattered to me.
Our reasons are still ours
Fear of losing someone can make a personal boundary feel harder to keep. So can rejection or disapproval from people outside the relationship.
When I feel discouraged, I return to the things we wanted: friendship, emotional closeness and a willingness to face problems honestly. Those are the benefits I can speak about from my own experience.
We still have attraction, disagreements and difficult days. We also have a connection I'm glad we've taken time to build.