You sit down for a date, hoping for good conversation. Ten minutes later, you are competing with a phone, listening to an inventory of expensive possessions or wondering why your appearance is suddenly up for review.
What ruins a date? These 34 contributions offer very different answers. Some describe disrespect or crossed boundaries. Others are matters of taste, from conversation style to a particularly unpopular pair of shoes. The responses below are paraphrased, and they are personal views rather than rules everyone needs to follow.
When the phone gets more attention than you do
Victor keeps it simple: phone use spoils a date for him. Janefrances is especially bothered when someone looks at their phone while she is speaking.
Fehin includes unnecessary calls as well as scrolling. Jude feels much the same way. He wants a date to feel like time spent together, not an appointment squeezed between work calls.
For Sarah, the phone is one problem; trying far too hard to impress is another. Patience adds a familiar frustration: someone who eventually puts the phone down, only to talk about themselves without asking her a thing.
Finding a conversation you both enjoy
Praiseberry dislikes nonstop talking and jokes that feel forced. Chiluba is put off by self-absorbed conversation, lewd behavior, repeated criticism and too much forwardness.
Vivien wants to get a sense of the person across the table. That is difficult when they reveal little about themselves, offer no opinions or tell only sad stories.
Gift finds shyness hard to connect with and dislikes a date who keeps looking around the room. Tolulope loses interest when a man seems to have little knowledge to contribute to the conversation.
Titilayo has little patience for dull conversation mixed with self-importance, excessive talking and poor manners. Jacintha, on the other hand, finds too much humility off-putting.
Precious does not enjoy either extreme: a date who only nods or one who never stops talking. Lateness, low confidence and a lack of humor also bother her. Intrusive questions, including questions about virginity on a first date, are a much firmer boundary.
These preferences do not always agree with one another. A quiet person might be a poor match for one contributor and lovely company for someone else.
Confidence can turn into showing off
Kehinde dislikes self-promotion, phone use and a running account of everything a man owns. A date should leave room to discover who someone is beyond their possessions.
Peace describes men who seemed to expect gratitude simply for giving her their attention. Their attitude suggested she should accommodate them because she was lucky to have the opportunity. That sense of entitlement put her off before a relationship could begin.
Rita dislikes endless talk about oneself, a commanding manner and rudeness to waiters. How a person treats the people serving dinner matters to her as much as how they treat their date.
Sekemi also objects to superiority and rude behavior. Add boasting, loud eating and so much talking that the other person barely gets a turn, and the evening loses its appeal.
Unwanted touching and comments that sting
Bimpe remembers eating a meat pie with her hands and being told it was disgusting. The judgmental response, rather than the meal, became the problem. She felt he could have spoken with more consideration.
Florence does not want to be touched on a first date. Phone use bothers her too, as does a man insisting on buying her food while refusing to eat anything himself.
Ann lists bad breath, bossiness and being overly forward. Nne Ka has several objections: bragging, talking about marriage at the first meeting, touching her to make a point, and offering corrections or advice she never requested.
Nne Ka also dislikes comments telling her to gain weight, criticism of women walking past, and complaints about an ex. None of those makes her feel more comfortable with the person in front of her.
Folashade is put off by cutting remarks, nose- or tooth-picking and a recital of achievements intended to impress. Repeated criticism of an ex is another reason she would lose interest.
Joan describes an evening filled with remarks and behavior that made her uncomfortable. By the time she got home, she had decided to block him.
Table manners, hygiene and one memorable pair of shoes
For Addision, passing gas would spoil the mood. Uzoamaka recalls a date who repeatedly picked his nose and cleaned his ears with his fingers. She excused herself and left.
One contributor named Damilola was initially very attracted to her date. Then came frantic eating and scattered bones. The attraction did not survive dinner, and she had discarded his number before reaching home.
Karen names bad breath and untidy clothes. Evaebele also cares about cleanliness and unpleasant odors; she mentions a taste for expensive perfume, along with confidence and a sense of direction in life. That is her preference, not a reason anyone needs to buy a costly fragrance.
A second contributor named Damilola dislikes unsuitable clothes, unpleasant or excessive talk and lateness. Her most specific objection is to sharply pointed, canoe-style shoes, whose shape reminds her of a flying boat.
A late arrival can be hard to recover from
Divine dislikes being kept waiting without warning. Once the date begins that way, everything that follows becomes more irritating.
Adebisi also values punctuality. Attraction does not make up for being left waiting, though traffic or another reasonable explanation can make a difference.
Sometimes there was no attraction to begin with
Baruch observes that when someone is not interested, even a small grammatical mistake can become a major irritation. The mistake may not be the real reason the date is going badly.
Kikelomo makes a similar point with a joke about the date on the calendar: if she disliked a man on sight, even the numbers in the date they chose to meet could become something to complain about.
There is a useful distinction running through these answers. Unwanted touching and humiliating remarks call for boundaries. Quietness, shoes and conversational style often come down to compatibility. You do not have to appeal to all 34 people. You do need to pay attention to the person who has agreed to spend time with you.